Tuesday, 23 February 2021

 heyyyyyy, been a while so I thought i'd check in.

it's been a busy few months eh... I managed to submit my second paper just before christmas, and it recently came back with some pretty positive reviews. Felt good submitting it after quite a lot of hard work, and even better that it was all done with one of my dear friends.

my mum got the all clear in mid Jan; her cancer is finally in remission! this was pretty huge news for the fam. I'm super happy for her, she worries more than I do and she often carries it all by herself, so I know she will be relieved. It was a long process of treatments for her and she smashed it from start to finish. it's frustrating not being able to visit her to be honest.

my mental health has oscillated a bit since the new year. Anxieties about the future are creeping in, and also just the increasing feeling of loneliness is somewhat unsettling. I'm grateful to have a busy house, living with 4 other people, but sometimes I feel like I'm the 5th wheel. I don't really know what I want from life at this stage. I like living in London with my brother and one of my best buds; we've lived together for over 5 years and it's been great every step of the way. It's only when i start to think about life down the line when I start to panic. They are both in serious relationships and I imagine will want to get their own places some day. I think our good times together will have to come to an end at some point.

Since she left I find myself trying to be more like her all the time. Many of my mannerisms often cause me to have exestential moments where I realise how much of the person I am now, is because of her. In the way I eat, the books I read, the way I interact with inanimate objects, the way I talk to my cats, the way I feel when I run (hard to explain this last one). They are all her. The one thing I often struggle to do though, is be totally in the present. She could do this better than me. I think I wasted a lot of time when were together worrying about the inevitable day when she would have to leave, while she was right there, smelling the roses... Today I submitted an application for a postdoc position in the US. Thinking about moving to a different country alone, to a city where I don't know anyone, is terryfying. But i'm trying to just think about little steps. 

Running has become a new thing for me in the last month I guess. I've been keeping it up usually 3-4 times a week and i'm enjoying it more with each time I go. It feels good to feel the progress each time, and it certainly gives me much needed breaks from staring at this screen. I had been using it as an opportunity to plug back in to my Spanish whilst practicing my mindfullness, by listening to some Entiende tu mente. Although this week i've been caught up listening to some siiick new tunes. 

 Anyway, that's enough for one day. Will check back in soon.

 Later yo


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